Dear my sad story

Aku baru sampai dari Kelantan..about 3 hours and half memecut di banjaran titwangsa, melintasi 3 negeri untuk sampai ke sungai petani. And tomorrow is working day again..sigh.
Dalam perjalanan yg panjang sorang2 tadi sempat la aku membuat beberapa flash back kenangan2 lepas yang kadang2 tak sempat aku nak fikir masa aku kat sini sebab sibuk dengan kerja.
Yang paling terkesan di hati ialah tarikh 25 April 2010 yang baru2 ni berlalu.
Kebiasaan bagi aku selama ini untuk menyambut tarikh itu dengan penuh rasa bahagia sebab itu adalah tarikh lahir seseorang yg amat bermakna dlm hidupku. Selama 7 tahun aku kenal dia, xpernah sekali aku lupa tarikh itu. Bagi aku, April adalah bulan yg indah.
Tapi berbeza tahun ini. Tahun ini, 25 April itu berlalu tanpa apa2. Tahun ini, aku berperang dengan perasaan hati sendiri untuk tidak menghubungi dia dan melupakan tarikh itu. Berperang untuk melalui hari itu tanpa makna.
Antara dia yg lahir pada hari itu dan aku sudah tidak ada apa2. Matanya yg dingin ketika melihat aku kali terakhir aku berjumpa dia masih segar dlm ingatan aku. Kali terakhir itu aku dpt merasakan betapa aku dan dia bukan lagi seperti dulu.
Jadi tidak ada maknanya untuk aku mengingati hari itu walau betapa kuatnya perasaan ini terhadapnya.
Dan tidak ada maknanya aku menghubungi dia kalau tidak ada apa untuk dia katakan pada aku lagi. Walaupun ada banyak yg ingin aku katakan padanya.
Tidak ada maknanya untuk aku terus menyambut 25 April itu saat aku tahu dia memilih untuk dingin denganku, menjauh dariku dan mewujud jurang antara dia dan aku. Walau hati ini tak mampu untuk menjauh.
Biarlah setiap hari aku mengingati dia sebagai kenangan terindah pernah kumiliki. Dan menjalani hidup dengan mendoakannya tetap bahagia dengan hidupnya tanpa aku.

LIFE is beautiful

Today is 10 May 10..

Yesterday I was post-call. After a very tiring yet exciting oncall in a very busy ward, I came back home on thank-God PM off.
After called my mom to wish happy mother's day and watch 1 episode of NurKasih, I went to sleep. Wishing to get up at night to do some revision for today's assessment and do my discharge summary which was not finished.

But I know, post-call sleep can never be trusted. True enough, I woke at 3.30am in the morning with a dream that I was already late for work. Feeling so hopeless as I studied nothing, I woke up and get refreshed to study. After a chapter on Malaria fever, I doozed off. And I woke up again at 5.30am which time to get ready for work already. With a swollen eyes due to over-slept, a dizzy head and palpitation, I went to work. I pray hard that today gonna be just fine.

Assessment is of course that bad that I received a warning letter few hours after paper markings..haha. which makes me laugh myself out as I already expected it. Then when I back to ward, clerk new patients and went to clinic and then clerk another patients..by the end of the day, I feel my heart so light. After finished my work at around 7pm, I slowly walked back to quarters. That time is sunset, which the favourite time of the day. It was so beautiful...a scenery that I always love to see. Then I think to myself...Life is not that bad, isnt it..? We only afraid to face life when we are unsure and unfamiliar about things. But when we are confident with it, we will worry about nothing.
Like wise said : In the end we will love what we familiar with..

Two is better than one

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the best of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the best of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one


I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the best of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the best of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one

'Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu'

Aku berjalan menyusuri malam yang dipayungi bintang-bintang cerah yg berkelip-kelip
Indah lagi menenangkan hati
Sambil tunduk melihat tanah yg diterangi cahaya yg suram
Membuat aku teringat pada suatu malam bulan Ramadhan, November 2002
Malam itu cerah seperti malam ini
Saat pertama kali aku mengirim salam buat dia
Dan bermula malam itu, selama 7 tahun ini, hingga malam ini, aku masih tak mampu mencari jalan keluar dari hatinya
Hati yg tak pernah mampu benar2 kumiliki
Hati yg tak pernah memahami dan tak mampu aku fahami
Hati yang bimbang dan ragu pada keikhlasanku
Hati yang slalu pergi meninggalkanku
Hati yang semakin hari semakin menjauh dariku
Dan yang paling menyakitkan, aku tak pernah mampu utk berputus asa dan keluar dari hati itu
Setiap saat ada dia di fikiranku
Walau dia slalu meragui realiti itu

Kalau benar inilah jalannya yg kupilih, maka
Tuhan, tunjukkan aku jalan keluar dari hati nya..

Jalan Keluar
....by Sheila on 7

Sepucat bulan purnama
Segelap malam tergelap
Kubiarkan ku mencari
Hatimu yang tak pernah kau beri

Sedalam palung lautan
Sedalam jurang hatimu
Kau biarkan ku jatuh tanpa ujung
Lepaskan sayapku yang terpasung
Jika memang tiada harapan
Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu

Sedalam palung lautan
Sedalam jurang hatimu
Kau biarkan ku jatuh tanpa ujung
Lepaskan sayapku yang terpasung

Jika memang tiada harapan
Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu

Jika memang tak akan bersanding
Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu

It takes a second to fall in love
But it takes forever to forget.....

Things happen at the right time and the right place

Today is my birthday..Yay!
So I planned a one day off and enjoying the day
My sis is here with me so early in the morning we went for breakfast at McD
Juz adding more fat into my 24 yr old blood vessel..haha
Then after a while enjoying the meal, I saw 2 familiar faces walked in
Ups, one of them is Anaest MO whom I promised to belanja her for giving me a chance to do appendicectomy..Really? Really....I thought to myself.
Lucky I was sitting far from the crowd
Konon2nye xmau dia nampak.Aiseh.
Then I thought to myself that this is the best moment to belanja her as before this always xsempat.
So after finish makan, me and my sis bangun and walk to the counter while trying hard to hide our faces.
Then order 2 set beger. Sambil bayar sambil pesan kat cashier tu to deliver the beger special for 2 customers yg sitting there (sambil pointing out to the two ladies sitting next to the wall) and said 'From Dr Mira Houseman, k'
Maybe the McD workers found it so interesting (dont know why) sampai 2-3 org pkerja and plus their bos datang to hear and adding to the suprise plan.
So we walked away and watched from far.
Lame gak waiting sambil skodeng
Then bila nampak yg bos McD tu nk deliver beger tu we all walked away
Sampai kat kereta, my phone ringing
To my suprise suara yg bercakap di sana is the Anaest MO voice..
Aiseh.Mane dia dapat number aku nih?Konfius.
Rupanya she go and called hospital operator and asked for my number! Haha..Really..
Said that the hospital operator is her auntie..haha
Haiya.Kantoi kat situ gak.
After talking while laughing with me and saying thank ussss, she hang up.
The moment she hang up I was laughing my heart out coz it's so damn funny!
I cant believe she go and get my number from HOSPITAL OPERATOR. Haha
Never thought of that pun..
Haha now i'm laughing.again.
Thinking about it I tought to myself that everyting happens at the right time and the right place.
It'll never happen THIS funny if it happen the other day, the other place.
Really.
(^_^)

i just wanna be there

I talked to my grandmom just now. And feels so calm inside when I hang up the phone..:)
Feels like we never talked for years. Feels like I'm so far away from her and my family. Feels like.....I'm dying inside..
Unbelievably, this hard life, this hard work and all of my time in Medicine had shed away almost all my point of view, my feelings and my heart towards life and its content.

I remembered when I was 16, when I was schooling in a boarding school in Pasir Puteh, I was thinking to myself in one rainy day that world is so beautiful that I would never ignore its beauty. The sound of rain, the green grass and the beautiful clouds over the mountain. And it's in Kelantan where I felt so much belongs to. Every morning I woke up and walk to school while admiring the beautiful sunrise and cold morning breeze..
Even in the most silent moment I had with myself alone, I could feel the presence of the calm wind, the shining sun and all the stars up there. I was calm. I was happy. I was contented.

And that day, that one beautiful sunset, I was just reached home from school and talked to my grandmom. I remembered I saw her eyes hazeled by the shining sunset. There was a pause, there was a silent moment in between but I dont feel empty. Instead, I feel safe.

I just hope I had more time like that.
I just want to be there and not missing a thing thats happening.

I just wanna be there.

First labour room call

Today I got PM off and I sleep smpai lewat ptg baru nk bgn..hehe
Then feel more fresh and less dizzy after oncall last night.
Unbelievable call because labour room was empty-no patient at all since 8pm till 11pm.
Then I sleep. And like any other calls before, patients always come after midnight. Anything that is normal before midnight will start to become abnormal after 12am...Huhu. That night, poor CTG occur at around 1.30am and had to disturb my MO sleep just to confirm that we still can wait some more and not for LSCS yet. At around that time another high station head for ARM came and afraid of causing cord prolapse I called my MO again. Lucky he was nice and did controlled ARM for me. Heee..Then I conduct delivery around 3am and finish everything with episiotomy repair at around 4am. I grabbed some time to sleep and at around 5am I woke up to order blood, medication, update babies etc. Morning prayer started at around 8am and after present babies update, I followed my MO to do post natal round for 3 wards. After that I was left with 1 tagger in ward to finish all ward workssss because another HO went for bleeding placenta praevia emergency op which takes 4 hours to finish.
Working with dizzy head and empty stomach, I feel like the PM off is totally a great idea. Haha..
But today I learned that doing my job right is all that matters. That's what my friend advise me when I was irritated by one collegue. As long as no negligence, patient's care is utmost and all your work are done, then what other people do or say should means nothing.
Thank you Allah, for sending me friends who always advising me to change for better, growing our potential and support each other in this working life... :)