'Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu'

Aku berjalan menyusuri malam yang dipayungi bintang-bintang cerah yg berkelip-kelip
Indah lagi menenangkan hati
Sambil tunduk melihat tanah yg diterangi cahaya yg suram
Membuat aku teringat pada suatu malam bulan Ramadhan, November 2002
Malam itu cerah seperti malam ini
Saat pertama kali aku mengirim salam buat dia
Dan bermula malam itu, selama 7 tahun ini, hingga malam ini, aku masih tak mampu mencari jalan keluar dari hatinya
Hati yg tak pernah mampu benar2 kumiliki
Hati yg tak pernah memahami dan tak mampu aku fahami
Hati yang bimbang dan ragu pada keikhlasanku
Hati yang slalu pergi meninggalkanku
Hati yang semakin hari semakin menjauh dariku
Dan yang paling menyakitkan, aku tak pernah mampu utk berputus asa dan keluar dari hati itu
Setiap saat ada dia di fikiranku
Walau dia slalu meragui realiti itu

Kalau benar inilah jalannya yg kupilih, maka
Tuhan, tunjukkan aku jalan keluar dari hati nya..

Jalan Keluar
....by Sheila on 7

Sepucat bulan purnama
Segelap malam tergelap
Kubiarkan ku mencari
Hatimu yang tak pernah kau beri

Sedalam palung lautan
Sedalam jurang hatimu
Kau biarkan ku jatuh tanpa ujung
Lepaskan sayapku yang terpasung
Jika memang tiada harapan
Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu

Sedalam palung lautan
Sedalam jurang hatimu
Kau biarkan ku jatuh tanpa ujung
Lepaskan sayapku yang terpasung

Jika memang tiada harapan
Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu

Jika memang tak akan bersanding
Tunjukkan jalan keluar dari hatimu

It takes a second to fall in love
But it takes forever to forget.....

Things happen at the right time and the right place

Today is my birthday..Yay!
So I planned a one day off and enjoying the day
My sis is here with me so early in the morning we went for breakfast at McD
Juz adding more fat into my 24 yr old blood vessel..haha
Then after a while enjoying the meal, I saw 2 familiar faces walked in
Ups, one of them is Anaest MO whom I promised to belanja her for giving me a chance to do appendicectomy..Really? Really....I thought to myself.
Lucky I was sitting far from the crowd
Konon2nye xmau dia nampak.Aiseh.
Then I thought to myself that this is the best moment to belanja her as before this always xsempat.
So after finish makan, me and my sis bangun and walk to the counter while trying hard to hide our faces.
Then order 2 set beger. Sambil bayar sambil pesan kat cashier tu to deliver the beger special for 2 customers yg sitting there (sambil pointing out to the two ladies sitting next to the wall) and said 'From Dr Mira Houseman, k'
Maybe the McD workers found it so interesting (dont know why) sampai 2-3 org pkerja and plus their bos datang to hear and adding to the suprise plan.
So we walked away and watched from far.
Lame gak waiting sambil skodeng
Then bila nampak yg bos McD tu nk deliver beger tu we all walked away
Sampai kat kereta, my phone ringing
To my suprise suara yg bercakap di sana is the Anaest MO voice..
Aiseh.Mane dia dapat number aku nih?Konfius.
Rupanya she go and called hospital operator and asked for my number! Haha..Really..
Said that the hospital operator is her auntie..haha
Haiya.Kantoi kat situ gak.
After talking while laughing with me and saying thank ussss, she hang up.
The moment she hang up I was laughing my heart out coz it's so damn funny!
I cant believe she go and get my number from HOSPITAL OPERATOR. Haha
Never thought of that pun..
Haha now i'm laughing.again.
Thinking about it I tought to myself that everyting happens at the right time and the right place.
It'll never happen THIS funny if it happen the other day, the other place.
Really.
(^_^)

i just wanna be there

I talked to my grandmom just now. And feels so calm inside when I hang up the phone..:)
Feels like we never talked for years. Feels like I'm so far away from her and my family. Feels like.....I'm dying inside..
Unbelievably, this hard life, this hard work and all of my time in Medicine had shed away almost all my point of view, my feelings and my heart towards life and its content.

I remembered when I was 16, when I was schooling in a boarding school in Pasir Puteh, I was thinking to myself in one rainy day that world is so beautiful that I would never ignore its beauty. The sound of rain, the green grass and the beautiful clouds over the mountain. And it's in Kelantan where I felt so much belongs to. Every morning I woke up and walk to school while admiring the beautiful sunrise and cold morning breeze..
Even in the most silent moment I had with myself alone, I could feel the presence of the calm wind, the shining sun and all the stars up there. I was calm. I was happy. I was contented.

And that day, that one beautiful sunset, I was just reached home from school and talked to my grandmom. I remembered I saw her eyes hazeled by the shining sunset. There was a pause, there was a silent moment in between but I dont feel empty. Instead, I feel safe.

I just hope I had more time like that.
I just want to be there and not missing a thing thats happening.

I just wanna be there.

First labour room call

Today I got PM off and I sleep smpai lewat ptg baru nk bgn..hehe
Then feel more fresh and less dizzy after oncall last night.
Unbelievable call because labour room was empty-no patient at all since 8pm till 11pm.
Then I sleep. And like any other calls before, patients always come after midnight. Anything that is normal before midnight will start to become abnormal after 12am...Huhu. That night, poor CTG occur at around 1.30am and had to disturb my MO sleep just to confirm that we still can wait some more and not for LSCS yet. At around that time another high station head for ARM came and afraid of causing cord prolapse I called my MO again. Lucky he was nice and did controlled ARM for me. Heee..Then I conduct delivery around 3am and finish everything with episiotomy repair at around 4am. I grabbed some time to sleep and at around 5am I woke up to order blood, medication, update babies etc. Morning prayer started at around 8am and after present babies update, I followed my MO to do post natal round for 3 wards. After that I was left with 1 tagger in ward to finish all ward workssss because another HO went for bleeding placenta praevia emergency op which takes 4 hours to finish.
Working with dizzy head and empty stomach, I feel like the PM off is totally a great idea. Haha..
But today I learned that doing my job right is all that matters. That's what my friend advise me when I was irritated by one collegue. As long as no negligence, patient's care is utmost and all your work are done, then what other people do or say should means nothing.
Thank you Allah, for sending me friends who always advising me to change for better, growing our potential and support each other in this working life... :)

LifE is Full of Ups and DoWns

Sometimes I asked myself why did I chose this difficult life to live with?
Studied 5 years in med school
By the time I graduating, the teenage life has ended
Then the responsibility as a doctor started before I could say 'I need a break'
Then keep holding on and go on this hardship and live this life on my own
Far from family and home
Away from beloved ones
And having high risk of being scolded everyday
Having high risk of making mistakes everyday
Meet sick people and their anxious family members
Feeling so insecure when u know that their lives are in your responsibility
And feeling so empty when they became sicker or even worse, passed away

Everyday starts like yesterday never ends
Never able to admire the sunrise coz u always reach inside hospital before 7
and u go back at least 5.30-6pm feeling so tired
and night is so short that u wont even able to enjoy the free time u got
then morning arrives before u realizes that u got a night to spend for yourself

I woke up every day feeling so frustrated that this is not a nightmare
That what I'm living now is a real life

Its not that i'm regreting but I juz wonder why it's so difficult
Why this ethusiasm has slowly fades away

God, I'm trying my best..
I'm doing my best to hold on
But it's juz too hard...

i re-watched this movie today
really like Hillary Duff in this movie :)
this movie is about Holly -the blogger the girl on the move
moving from one town to the other everytime her mother broke up
funny+weird
this time they moved to Brooklyn NY
there, she started a resolution in finding a perfect man for her mother
she fake herself as a secret admire to her mother
just to make her happy
however, while doing it, she met a boy
but lies are not meant to be lies forever
one day she had to tell the truth and broke her mother heart
and wonder whats going on next?
well, it's always a good ending, wouldnt it?
i cant really explain how then the story goes
maybe u guys can watch it and smiles at the happy ending then

tomorrow start working and oncall
dude, i really not ready
but as the title said, JUST JUMP AND SWIM!
just do my best..
(^_^)
hopefully

weekend off..he.
spend some time for myself
dah lama xbuat hal utk diri sendiri haha
first of all, gi dobi baju yg dah seminggu aku timbun dlm bakul

then buat keje yg dah lama aku xbuat : hias my room!
after send baju for dobi,
aku gi central square and village mall buy some stuff
and start hias2!!
(^_^) sukenye..
clovers wall paper with favorite poem : IF by Rudyard Kippling


wish list and upcoming event on the cupboard

then create this blog
huhu

it's 3 am in the morning
and
ngantuk...
goodnite
(^_^)